Be Open with Partners
We want our partners to know what we want and what we don’t want. Talking openly about our desires with our partners may be difficult at first. We may have many sexual inhibitions about doing so. But if we try to make it part of the way we deal with our sex partners, it will become easier and easier to do.
Many people use sexual role play to explore their fantasies and diminish their sexual inhibitions. Those of us who “played doctor” as children already have experience in sexual role play. We can use it in our adult sexual lives, too. Being open with our sex partners increases the intimacy we share with them, increases our self-esteem, and allows us to feel sexually capable.
Be Mentally and Physically Alert
Fatigue, alcohol, drugs, and anxiety can sap our sexual pleasure. Although having sex is one way to relieve stress, to get the most out of our sexual experiences we should feel good in our bodies and minds. We may want to rethink our sex habits if our sexual inhibitions lead us to put off sex until we’ve had too many drinks. The same thing goes for putting off sex until we’ve exhausted ourselves by getting everything else done first. A sleepy cuddle can be one of life’s great treasures, but it is also important to let ourselves be sexual when we’re feeling our best, our most energetic, and wide-awake.
Be Aroused
We do not need to have sex to please a partner. We may choose to have sex if we are sexually aroused by our partners and we believe we will enjoy having sex with them, but it is always our choice. We can increase our sexual inhibitions, damage our self-esteem, and decrease the intimacy we share with our partners if we “fake it” or “just let it happen” when we are too tired, too ill, too bored, too stressed, or too drunk to become aroused.
Sometimes our sex play with our partners may become too habitual and predictable to be arousing. Spending more time in nongenital touching and caressing may be very helpful.
Have Sex in Safe Places
Many first sexual experiences take place in environments that are not entirely safe or secure from intrusion. As young people, we may have avoided the intrusion of adults by having sex in cars or in dark and hidden public places that may have been dangerous. As adults, we may have anxiety about the intrusion of our roommates, children, or members of our families.
Anxieties about intrusion can be distracting and sexually inhibiting. Not only must we find time to have sex, we must also find a private place to enjoy ourselves. If we have sexually active children, we may want to consider their safety and well-being as we decide whether or not they will be allowed to have sex at home.
Getting to know our own bodies, allowing ourselves our sexual fantasies, choosing and being open with trustworthy partners, being alert and aroused when we decide to have sex, and deciding to have sex in safe places are not goals we can accomplish quickly. They take a lifetime of learning. Learning them is one of the great pleasures and rewards that life has to offer. From time to time, we may want professional counseling as we make our sexual journey through life. But it is ourselves who are our best teachers and guides for our sexual journey. We need only to listen carefully to what is already in our hearts and minds.
Developing and maintaining healthy feelings and attitudes toward sex and sexuality are important ways to preserve our sexual health. Taking care of our bodies is equally important.
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